Don't run away. We're going to do a little experiment. Let's add some beauty and pampering to our flaneuring. Oscar Wilde would approve. My straight male readers? You've seen the title. Don't let your eyes glaze over. This is for you, too. You have ladies in your life who you would like to woo, correct? Then pay attention. You can use the following info as a woo-tactic in the tub with your naked lady friend. And if you make to the end of this blog post, there's a judgmental cock as your reward. (Cock as in rooster, my dear gutter-minded loves.)
This is a tried and true recipe for creating the perfect sugar scrub that makes your legs smoother than a classic jazz melody. Use it in the tub or shower.
You will need:
1 Cup of Sugar
1/2 Cup of Olive Oil
3 tablespoon of lemon juice
1 tablespoon of honey
And a bowl to mix it all in. (I use a rubber-bottomed mixing bowl because setting it on the side of the bathtub can be slippery. A plastic container would work just as well.)
Step One: Pour in your sugar.
Other online recipes will tell you that 1 1/2 to 2 cups of sugar are required. Save it for your tea. Half a cup is fine; even after scrubbing your legs and feet, there will be enough left over for your arms. I've got 5 feet 10 inches of body to cover and the 1 cup is plenty.
Step Two: Pour on your Olive Oil.
I've tried this scrub with Soy Oil and it wasn't the best. And skip the Baby Oil in this recipe. Baby Oil is great post-shave, but ever since I witnessed my friend Stephanie using Olive Oil instead of Baby Oil for her baby Lily, I've sworn fealty to Olive Oil forever. It's safe, moisturizing, and can keep baby bums happy. Olive Oil. Use it.
Step Three: Glop on some honey.
Admittedly, organic honey is best, but if all you have in the cupboard is a jolly Harris Teeter bear of honey like I do, it works just fine.
For the practical: 1 to 2 tablespoons.
Step Four: Squeeze in your lemon.
It's going to smell delicious. This is the part when Matt always asks what I'm making. I'm making myself fancy, that's what!
For the practical: 3 tablespoons of lemon juice, organic, squeezed or otherwise.
Step Five: Mix it up.
Spoon? Who needs a spoon? Save the spooning for the bedroom. Mix it all together with your hand. It's gritty and wonderful. Squeeze out the lumps. It's thicker now than when you will actually use it in the lavatory; wet hands reaching in to apply the mix while shaving and scrubbing will water it down significantly.
Last Kitchen Step: Pour a glass of wine. Sip it while you soak in the tub. You're fancy like that. (OK, this one's optional. Grape juice is just as fancy.)
Hot Bath Time:
- Lather. Scrub up your legs and footsies. (Avoid private parts.)
- Rinse. (Some people skip this step and shave with the scrub on. If you shave with the scrub on, use disposable razors. They will get cruddy and will not last long.)
- Shave as usual. Your legs will be coated in oil, even after the rinse.
- AND THE SECRET TRICK: Sugar scrub again. This gets rid of dead skin and allows you to feel any stubble missed.
- (Optional step: Shave again. Get the missed stubble, and then some. Use a new disposable razor if you have not rinsed. I usually skip this step because I have sensitive skin and two shaves at once is too much. Your mileage may vary.)
- Rinse, pat dry and lotion up! How do your legs feel? Like butter? Like butter.
- Be kind to yourself and your housemates by rinsing out the tub or shower completely. Oil is slippery! And stepping naked into a tub coated in oil the next time you shower is a broken bone waiting to happen. Or at least an embarrassing bruise.
I hope you enjoyed this, my darlings. If it works, let me know in the comments. If it doesn't, here's a nice disclaimer: Hey hey! This is totally just a helpful suggestion and if something goes wrong, like an encounter with drain monsters or delicious Olive Oil skin that attracts zombies, FitC and I are not responsible, because this should be done at your own risk and whatnot.
On a totally unrelated note; how cute is this rooster? My husband grew up in Portugal and this adorable kitchen love-a-doodle-doo bird is a souvenir of his childhood.
Look at him. Just look at him. That is a cock who is either judging your life choices or is wide-eyed in aghast admiration.
If I had any discernible Photoshop skills I would make a slow close-up animated gif of this party fowl and his WTF face. He is the perfect kitchen companion and the red hearts surrounding him are coming from me, because I love him.
Thanks for reading!